New phases

Ever have those moments in life when you know beyond any doubt that your life will never be the same? Today has been one of those day's for me, as I watched Jenna on her first day of Kindergarten I knew that my life from that moment on will be changed forever.
While I am so excited for Jenna and of course for me to be starting this new journey, I cannot ignore the sadness that I am feeling. Not just because of today, but on Thursday I will send my baby Kayla off to pre-school. While it is just two days totaling 6 hours per week I realize this all came to fast. I am not ready to share my babies, I am not ready to let them go.
While I usually try to stay positive and not post negative feeling for the world to see, today I am going to allow myself to post how I really feel...I truly am mourning the loss of my kids being babies! I feel my heart is aching for them to be tiny again! I miss changing diapers, nursing, sleepless nights, and big wet kisses!
For years while Justin and I tried to conceive these beautiful children I only imagined me as a mom to babies, in my mind I never saw beyond that and now that they are growing up I realize that those dreams have been fulfilled and I'm finding it's hard to let go.
I know that I have been blessed more than I ever dared to dream. I walked through hell and back to bring my girls into this world and while my mind tells me that should be enough my heart is secretly wondering is two enough? My own answer to that is yes of course two are enough, and I do know this beyond any doubt.
I have great memories of them being babies and I will always look back on those years as some of the most wonderful of my life and while I think I will always have these moments of longing for more kids (After all I am only 32) I know I am done and in reality I am happy with that.
I do love the ages they are right now, and I am looking forward to being a room parent, joining the PTA, and going on field trips! I am excited to see them grow, learn and make new friends, I truly am...but just for today I am choosing to pull out the baby pictures the baby movies and I may just dig out the preemie clothes (I will never be able to part with them) and just have a day of soaking in memories of a phase of my life that has come to an end.
I will shed tears today, but tomorrow I will be fine. Reality will hit me and I will start laughing hysterically because I will actually be able to go grocery shopping on my own, maybe get a pedicure, or even spend a whole hour in a book store, and then I will think my life in this moment is perfect and really I can ask for nothing more!

More summer fun!

Other than visiting family we rarely take vacations, so this summer one of my goals was to take the kids somewhere new. Then looking at the calendar and our budget I soon realized that a big vacation would not be happening for us! So Justin suggested we meet him in San Diego (he had work meetings down there) and take a mini vacation and even though it was only two days we had so much fun! It was nice just to get away, not have any plans, and just to live in the moment!

We first visited the Museum of Natural History and Art, the girls learned so much and we had so much fun watching them discover the world they live in!




We decided to stop by the Mormon Battalion in Old Town. To tell the truth I was not that excited to go, we had been years ago and I didn't think the girls would be that interested, but once we got there we discovered it had been completely remodeled. It turned out to be one of the funnest things we have ever done with our kids!


Hey Uncle Chad we found ton's of gold on our treasure hunt, next time you go Jenna will teach you how it's done!




Finished off the day by going to the beach to play and watch the sun set. The water was warm, the sky's were blue and the surfers were amazing to watch! As I sat and watched my family play I thought this is one of those perfect moments that you never want to have end.

Kayla is always cold at the beach, we have never gone when she did not end up being wrapped up in towels!

A rare picture of mom...usually I'm the one behind the lens!


We finished off with a visit to Sea World, and of course had another great day!





This was just the break I needed from life, it was short but so relaxing and fun!

Worries of a Mother

By nature I am a worrier, I thought that the excessive worrying and anxiety I felt while pregnant would end once I gave birth to my beautiful children, I was so very wrong! Everyday I worry over them. Are they happy, are they healthy, did they get their full serving of veggies and fruit, are they making friends, are the other kids being nice? I could go on and on!!! I know they must fall and get hurt, but every hurt they suffer I suffer and I think it is hurting me more than them! I hate to see my children sad it truly breaks my heart especially when I cannot fix what is hurting. I know I have a tender heart and so does Jenna she get's her feelings hurt so easily and while you think I would know how to comfort her little hurts of the heart it seems I cannot fix them all the time and I hate that! I do know the words I speak and the love that is behind those words will always stay with her and I pray that when she is hurting the worst she will know beyond a doubt that her mom loves her and would do anything for her!
No one tells you before you have kids how much your heart will ache with unconditional love and how much worry you will feel for them, I guess no words can describe such emotion! I now know that the worry of a mother begins at conception and will go on forever! My grandpa told me once he thought he would stop worrying about his kids once they grew up and left home, but once they left home is when he realized what it felt like to truly worry! I think for now I just need to stop and breath have faith that all my love will be enough!

part 3.....

My kids loved this so much I decided I needed to add it! We went to the Pirate Dinner Adventure last night with Justin and his employee's. Jenna got to help fight the bad pirates and Kayla kept making a silly pirate face saying arrggg!


So this is our summer as to date and I am loving it! loved having the family come, love getting to sleep-in a little bit later, going to the movies, the beach, the swimming pool in the back yard that I can't keep the girls out of! And all the other little daily things we do that make summer fun! Next week I'm off to go camping with the young women and yes I'm nervous to be leaving my family,I have never been gone from my kids and husband this long and I know I am going to miss them sooo much! After that we are heading back to Utah to visit my new little niece that is due in mid July! We are also going to try to fit in a little camping trip have no idea how we are going to squeeze that in, but we will!

Life as of late...part 2

After Jenna's graduation my whole family came out for a visit they stayed a week and when my family comes we play long and play hard!!!

Celebrating Grandpa's Birthday!


The girls love going to Disneyland with Grandma and Grandpa!

Playing on Tom Sawyers Island!


The new Uncle Chad Toy-not for kids under the age of 3...heeheehee


The girls love Jesse! Although we did get in trouble with the Green Army Man for not being efficient and orderly he was my favorite!




We visited Universal Studios and had lot's of fun, for whatever reason Kayla wanted her picture taken with everyone and Jenna was refusing so yes Jenna was with us, but no I don't have any pics of her!

Life as of late......

So I have been meaning to blog about all the fun we have been having lately but really have not had the time! I can't believe June is almost over, summer is flying by way too fast but we are having so much fun! We started June off by celebrating Jenna graduating from pre-school, and I just have to ask how can such a little event feel so big? As I watched her get her diploma I could no longer deny that she is now a little girl and not my baby, she is growing up so fast, before I know it she will be a young women and dating! I am trying so hard to treasure everyday, I never want to forget these sweet days of having young kids! So here are some pics of Jenna's big day!

Being Thankful

Today is Sunday which is my favorite day of the week, Sunday belongs to me, it is my day to re-coupe, set new goals, and ponder life in general. Today for whatever reasons I have been watching Justin, listening to how he interacts with the people he works with how he talks to our daughters and how he helped me babysit a friends little boy today. After all this observing I have to say I am so grateful that he is not an emotional person when it comes dealing with problems, unlike me who takes EVERYTHING to heart he has a way of being diplomatic and does not make assumptions till he has heard both sides of a story, I think he is fair and just when dealing with our family (as long as he is in agreement with me-lol) and with his employees. It is a quality that I hope one day to master. This is one of the many reasons I need him in my life, to keep me calm and to help me put my tender heart aside, so that I can process life with my mind and not my emotions. He is my opposite and that is exactly why he completes me!