Ever have those moments in life when you know beyond any doubt that your life will never be the same? Today has been one of those day's for me, as I watched Jenna on her first day of Kindergarten I knew that my life from that moment on will be changed forever.
While I am so excited for Jenna and of course for me to be starting this new journey, I cannot ignore the sadness that I am feeling. Not just because of today, but on Thursday I will send my baby Kayla off to pre-school. While it is just two days totaling 6 hours per week I realize this all came to fast. I am not ready to share my babies, I am not ready to let them go.
While I usually try to stay positive and not post negative feeling for the world to see, today I am going to allow myself to post how I really feel...I truly am mourning the loss of my kids being babies! I feel my heart is aching for them to be tiny again! I miss changing diapers, nursing, sleepless nights, and big wet kisses!
For years while Justin and I tried to conceive these beautiful children I only imagined me as a mom to babies, in my mind I never saw beyond that and now that they are growing up I realize that those dreams have been fulfilled and I'm finding it's hard to let go.
I know that I have been blessed more than I ever dared to dream. I walked through hell and back to bring my girls into this world and while my mind tells me that should be enough my heart is secretly wondering is two enough? My own answer to that is yes of course two are enough, and I do know this beyond any doubt.
I have great memories of them being babies and I will always look back on those years as some of the most wonderful of my life and while I think I will always have these moments of longing for more kids (After all I am only 32) I know I am done and in reality I am happy with that.
I do love the ages they are right now, and I am looking forward to being a room parent, joining the PTA, and going on field trips! I am excited to see them grow, learn and make new friends, I truly am...but just for today I am choosing to pull out the baby pictures the baby movies and I may just dig out the preemie clothes (I will never be able to part with them) and just have a day of soaking in memories of a phase of my life that has come to an end.
I will shed tears today, but tomorrow I will be fine. Reality will hit me and I will start laughing hysterically because I will actually be able to go grocery shopping on my own, maybe get a pedicure, or even spend a whole hour in a book store, and then I will think my life in this moment is perfect and really I can ask for nothing more!
