Blah.....

Yup this is how I feel as of late just blah! So many little things have come up and really they are just little bumps in life which I usually handle quite well, but the last little while I just feel blah about all of them! Maybe it has something to do with paying taxes this week, going to the dentist (I really hate the dentist!) finding out our landlord is selling our house come May and the thought of moving is giving me small panic attacks in the middle of the night, my morals being attacked at every turn (really to those who preach acceptance of all people & lifestyles...accept me that I have different beliefs, that I have faith in heavenly laws so please don't judge me, tell jokes at my expense or my religions, it's really mean and yes it really hurts my feelings), Jenna's asthma has now been upgraded to moderate and she is now on daily asthma control, our little play date buddies being all out of town or just having conflicting schedules, feeling a little forgotten about by family (not you mom!) and the fact I think I'm ovulating and therefore have turned into a crazy mad women who is either crying or yelling, so yes it just all adds up to blah! Ahhh I feel so much better now that's off my chest, but still emotions are running high. Thinking I may break down and have a good cry tonight... I really believe 90% of this is hormonal, so the good news is by Saturday I should be back to my old happy self and the stuff that is bothering me now I will be able to laugh at and brush off my shoulders without a second thought, but if every month is going to be like this and based on the past 6 I think they are Justin just may take me to the doc for some serious medicating!

Did I blink???

It seems like yesterday I posted about Jenna's first day of Kindergarten and now her teacher has kicked all us mom helpers out of her class room for the week so the kids can decorate for open house this Thursday! Less than three weeks of school are left, and I have decided if time is going to fly this fast then I'm sure by this time next week I will be sending Kayla off to college!

Young Women

I have tried writing this out I think about 5 times and I feel that it's just not coming out right so this is my final attempt at trying to put into words exactly what my heart is feeling tonight! As most of you know I serve in Young Womens (I work with the 12&13 year old girls) I have had this calling for just over a year and I can honestly say this is the most favorite calling I have ever had! I get to serve the most amazing girls they are filled with love and kindness, they are so strong and all of them just radiate beauty!

One of the greatest blessings that I have received from all this has been working on my personal progress https://lds.org/young-women/personal-progress?lang=eng It has taken me a year to finish and to be honest half of it was worked on the past 6 weeks, the deadline to earn the medallion was today and I pushed to finish at 11:00pm last night! I have always struggled with self worth and with just loving me for me. Working on these personal progress goals has given me the gentle reminder that I am a daughter of God, that he loves me, that he knows me personally and that most of all that I need to be loving and forgiving towards myself. I just can't express how thankful I am for the opportunity not only to work with these amazing young girls, but that I also get to serve in a presidency with great women who make me strive to be a better person each day and who have become my dear friends.

This past year has also brought Justin and I closer together. Our first year after moving out here was rough our lives changed drastically and it was hard to adjust (ok it was me having the hard time adjusting) but I can honestly say that since I have been given this calling we have grown closer together, I could not do what I do without him. He has rearranged his schedule so many times to accommodate me not only with church stuff but also helping me out so I can work at Jenna's school, he truly is my soul mate and I am thankful for all that he does for me!

My heart is full tonight, my soul is filled with happiness, I know my Savior not only died for my sins but that he suffered for all my hurts and sorrow as well, I'm thankful to have his sweet spirit in my life, and I know that I am truly a blessed girl.

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Baby Talk

I have finally decided to share with the world (by the world I mean the 3 people who actually read my blog!) what I have only shared with a few close friends and family, Justin and I are starting the process of adoption!!!!

This is something that we said we might consider after Kayla was born, knowing that I could not have any more babies....looking back now on that time I wish that I didn't make the choices I did then. I was tired and worn down and not in the right state of mind to make such a life altering decision. Now my heart is breaking that I made the choices I made, my heart longs for another baby in ways that I never thought I would fill again. I think the regret I feel comes from seeing the advancement in the medical field and the new help they can give to PROM patients (google it if your curious) Justin on the other hand firmly stands by the choice we made to have my tubes tied, and yes his is the voice of reason and logic that makes our marriage work so well and deep down I know he is right.

The baby thoughts started about a year ago when Kayla turned 3, and I realized I could no longer really call her a baby (although I still do when her little ears are not around!) It has taken us almost that full year to really think, pray, fast and pray some more about what our options for bringing another baby into our family would be. We have considered every avenue from me having surgery to re-attach my tubes, a sergeant which we both shot down very fast and of course adoption.

Adoption is the only choice that felt right to us, but even after having received our answer I was apprehensive about moving forward. We have gone down the adoption road before and it's a hard emotional process that for me I just needed time. Time to wrap my mind around all that would be required of us again. The second issue we had to face was the financial, let's face it adoption is expensive and we have been credit card free for 3 years now, with very little debt. We have some money saved but not enough to cover adoption expenses and while any baby is worth going into debt for, it is definitely something that takes serious planning and much thought.

Then the answer came in the least likely of places, I was waiting for school to get out and a mom standing next to me (Josie) started telling us that she adopted three of her five kids through the State of California's adoption program. That after she adopted her first baby the agency called her the next two times asking if she would take another. I asked her for more info and the next day she brought me a whole packet of information about her church and how they work with the county of San Bernadino to help place children/infants into homes who are in the foster care program right now. The program is almost completely paid for by the state, which for us will be huge blessing. Josie adopted her first daughter when she was 2 months old, her second was 6 months and her third was 9 months. So no we will probably not be adopting a newborn, for us that does not matter....I just feel a little giddy every time I think about having a baby in the house again I could care less about the age!

We got our first set of papers in the mail the other day and according to the social worker it will take us 6 months to a year to get approved and after that a baby is usually placed within two years. Yes that seems like a very long time to be waiting but we feel it's worth the wait and I know for me I will regret it three years later if we didn't at least try.

I have so many fears going into this, of course the biggest is the whole thing just not working out. This is something we have seriously thought about and all I can say is we have two wonderful girls, we are a happy family and I will always be grateful beyond measure for being blessed with my two little ones. For me I have to know I did everything I could to bring one more child into our family, I strongly feel this is the right thing to do and I know that if it is right then God will make it happen, if it's not meant to be... then that's that and I will be at peace with whatever the outcome is.

So wish us luck and keep us in your thoughts and prayers, and we would love to hear any feed back you may have for us!

A conversation with little girls

This past week I have been babysitting a friends little girl. She and my girls girls get along fairly well, but she is the exact opposite of my girls, and so I find their little conversations very humorous. First thing she does when she gets into my car is demand the radio be turned on...now I know Jenna can be demanding and sometimes forgets to say please or will you, but this little one has down exactly what she wants and is not used to be told no to anything. So I make her say please will you turn on the radio and she does so I put on one of Kayla's kids songs, I then hear her yell from the back HELLO LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER! And this is the part that just made me smile Jenna turns to her and says "We listen to kid songs because we are kids" so I then ask Jenna who Justin Bieber is and she tells me no she has never heard of him....I have to say I was proud of that, I want to keep my girls little for as long as possible I don't want them growing up too fast and I don't want them idolizing anyone like Justin Bieber, Hanna Montana or any other teen idol our society says our children need to worship.

I sat with Jenna and watched a ICarly show the other day and I hate to admit it but I thought it was kinda funny. Then as I thought about it and as I watched a few other of those type of shows I began to realize that 1. they make parents/teachers or any adult for that matter look stupid and 2. I strongly believe the writers of these shows degrade all men in general but they especially degrade the role of the Father and they make him out to be an idiot. This is something that bothers me greatly and something that I have been thinking about lately. For example I got a add in the mail the other day and on the title it said "So easy even a man could do it" now I know their are somethings I am better at than Justin and there are equally as many things he is better at than I am, but if something came in the mail with the saying "So easy even a women could do it" I would be highly offend and would never think of buying that product! I never want my girls to view adults in the way these shows portray them and while I don't like the idea of banning my kids from watching TV I do think waiting till they are older, more mature and limiting viewing time is the better way to go.

I want my girls to stay innocent and little, I don't want them growing up too fast! They are going to be grown ups in a few short years and they will never get their childhood back! I want that childhood to be filled with, fairies, princesses, playing outside and using their imagination! So yes I do smile when asked about DS systems, tween idol stuff and the latest songs on the radio that my girls don't know a thing about them. For me seeing them singing nursery rhymes and playing for hours with little people, ponies and putting together elaborate puppet shows is exactly where I want them to be right now!

Kayla

Little Ms. Kayla has just been making me laugh a lot lately, she is developing this funny little personality that just cracks me up! I love this picture because it sums up who Kayla is right at this moment in time! Today she was playing in Jenna's room with her new jewelry box she got for Christmas from Jenna. She also took Jenna's jewelry box out and has evenly divided Jenna's jewelry up between the boxes. I ask her what she is doing and she tells me "I took Jenna's jewelry because mine only had one, then she pauses and with a matter of fact tone declares....I think Jenna is going to be mad at me!" She says this in her sweet little Kayla voice that makes everyone around her just say "oh how cute!" Well my cute little sweet voiced child has a hidden dark side that is learning to manipulate her cuteness into getting what she wants or using it to negotiate her way out of trouble! She really didn't care if Jenna was going to get mad, and I think she may have been enjoying the idea of making her sister a little mad! But the little charmer worked her magic because I left the room not doing a thing about it, but just smiling because it really was cute....even though I'm sure when Jenna realizes what her little sister has done I won't be smiling anymore!