15 years ago today Justin and I had been married for 5 months, we were 19, living in our first little apartment and were expecting our first baby. We went to my doctors appointment for my 13 week check-up. It was then that we were told our baby had stopped growing and that I would soon miscarry. I still remember lying on the exam table while the ultrasound tech was doing the ultrasound. I remember the look on her face. I remember her asking me to get dressed while she got the doctor. I remember asking, "is that our baby" and questioning her hesitant yes, that the doctor would be in to talk with us. She left and I knew something was wrong. Looking back, I knew even before that appointment that something was wrong. I had felt it for a few weeks. About 4 weeks earlier I woke up one morning and I just didn't feel pregnant anymore. My morning sickness went away overnight; while I kept telling myself I was at 10 weeks and that was normal moving into my 2nd trimester, deep down I knew that the little spirit had left my body.
No matter when you lose a child, it's devastating. Yes we were young, yes I was not very "far along" - but that baby was wanted, that baby was talked to, sang to and we were happily awaiting its arrival. My heart was broken; our hearts were broken. Never did I think at that time that we would have to wait 8 more years to become parents.
Now, 15 years later, I'm thinking about the 19 year old me. I remember her pain. I remember feeling very alone. While people felt bad, they basically told me to get over it. It was then that I learned what a blessing marriage can be. Others sympathized, but no one understood me like Justin did. It was OUR child we had lost. That was our first big trial in our marriage and it brought us closer together than I ever knew two people could be.
About a year after our miscarriage we seriously started trying to get pregnant again. After six months I began to see what would become a long list of doctors. I'm not sure if everyone woman who has had a miscarriage continues to feel that hurt, but I did. I do think that because it took us so long to get pregnant again it made that miscarriage so much more painful. For many years January 13th was the worst day of the year for me.
Now, we are blessed to have two beautiful little girls who have made our lives complete. But on January 13th my heart still turns to that little baby and my heart breaks for that young inexperienced couple. While I know we now live a very blessed life, and our two little girls are more than I thought I would ever be blessed with, I don't think my wounds are completely healed. They don't hurt nearly as bad they once did - and while I don't regret the path my life has taken - I still sometimes feel that same sad empty feeling I endured all the way back in 1998.
The one comfort that I have, that I have always had, is that we are an eternal family. I'm so thankful that Justin and I decided to be sealed in the temple. I'm thankful for the sealing blessings of the priesthood; because of those blessings I know that little spirit is still ours and that one day we will have a very happy reunion.
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