Guess I'm not super women

Motherhood is hard.  I thought that as my babies grew into little girls that I would be less tired, have more time and I actually worried how I would fill my days.  I always knew I would be a stay at home mom, and I envisioned being room mom, helping out with sport teams, hanging with other like minded mom's.  What I didn't know is how awful the guilt would be if I said no to any one of those things.  I had these dreams of being able to keep a perfectly kept home, spread a healthy dinner on the table at 6 on the dot, be team mom, have a demanding church calling, help out in the class room, serve on the PTA board, help my daughter sell a million boxes of girl scout cookies and still be a happy smiling wife that my husband loves coming home to.  Well my friends I'm here to tell you it's IMPOSSIBLE!!!  

I'm not entirely sure how it happened or what triggered my breakdown on Friday.  Myself I have two theories the first feeling like a single mom. I normally have handled Justin's work schedule fine. In the past yes it would be hard but I never felt like I couldn't do it, this past month I have felt like I'm barely treading water without him around...second our housing situation we qualified for a home loan, we were looking at houses only to find out that our old home in CO has a title problem that will not be cleared up till the end July and we can't buy a house till that is taken care of. Then we find out our landlord is not renewing our lease that is up the end of April and will not let us stay just a few more months...did I mention we are going to mexico in April and that we will have two days after we get home to be out of our house with it cleaned top to bottom.  That means I have a little over 4 weeks to pack.  We are now looking at apartment's and storage units and thinking maybe we should stay in the apartment just a bit longer to save a little more for a down payment.  Which could mean our girls may have to change schools in the fall and then when we buy a house in 6-9 months they may have to change schools again!  The only plus side to that would be me not being PTA president. Don't get me wrong I love to serve and I WANT to do it, but after my weekend I have to slow down and things are going to have to change and if that means not being PTA president that is fine with me. We are going to try to keep the girls in the same school and I'm looking into getting them transferred I just can't do it till we actually move-so frustrating! Also I don't ever want to rent another house again.  I hate the feeling of not being settled that our landlord could stop making the payments or decide to sell at a moments notice...I need a place of my own I can't handle that kind of stress anymore. 

So this is how my "breakdown" happened.  I woke up on Friday with a pinched nerve in the back of my neck.  I could barely move. It was by far some of the worst pain I have ever felt.  Later on in the afternoon my ears started "clicking" back and forth, I felt an intense pain in my head I could not open my eyes and as I started talking to Kayla I knew what I wanted say but my words would not come out.  Since then I have been stuttering  and slurring my words. If I concentrate really hard I can complete a sentence but it's like I really have to think about what I want to say.  It has gotten better over the past few days but Justin was scared that I had a stroke so he forced me to go see a doctor (I felt it was just the after math of a really bad headache-yes stupid I know) Come to find out my blood pressure is really high, in January it was normal.  Going over my chart with the doctor my BP has always been fine.  She starts to ask what's going on in my life and as I tell her everything I do, she's looking at me like I'm going to stop talking at any minute -but I don't, my list goes on and on.  She quickly came to the concussion that I'm too stressed out (so happy I made that co-pay) So she told me to cancel everything and rest this week, come back on Thursday to see if my blood pressure is down.  She also ordered lot's of blood work which she will go over with me on my Thursday appointment. She even offered to write me a doctors note excusing me from all my duties- I laughed as I envisioned telling my kids no mommy can't cook you dinner here is my note :)  

In all reality I can't cancel everything but I did cancel a lot of things so I'm making progress.  In two weeks my schedule would have been considerably lighter anyway.  Right now it's not so much the schedule as it is the living situation.  Justin oh how I love that guy he is my rock, he is the yang to my yin so of course he is not worried about it at all.  How I dream one day to be like him completely calm on a still lake...where I on the other hand is living my life in a ocean of peaks and waves just trying to stay afloat.

My doctor did offer me wonderful drugs to help me calm down, but I have to stay a functioning mom who can drive and take care of my children so I turned them down, but with the promise I would meditate, take down time for myself and remember to breath.  

I feel really embarrassed by it all, I feel weak and that I am letting many people down.  The only reason why I'm blogging about it is because I feel deep down a significant change has occurred inside of me, that in a positive way I will never be the same again and I want my girls to know it's o.k. to struggle and that through those struggles you emerge a better more whole person.   I still need to work on the guilt part of saying no, but by nature that is my personality so right now I'm just trying to set it aside.  I am doing much better today,  I feel more calm and  more peaceful which I think is why I have only stuttered once today (that I'm aware of).  

I do have to say thank you to my amazing friends.  First word I was going to the doctor and next thing I know Kayla is being picked up from school and being treated to lunch at chick-fil-a then back to her little friends house for a play date.  Another friend calls to say she is bringing over dinner! I'm telling you, people may laugh at Mormons because whenever anything significant happens good or bad we make a dinner, but I have to say having a nice hot yummy dinner delivered to your door is heaven! I always feel so loved when that happens :)  And to my old friends who are not here just seeing your positive thoughts on FB makes me feel loved and that I can go on with my life.   

So now you know my little secret I'm not super women, I can't do it all, I tried to pretend I could and obviously it has turned out not so great.  So now I'm looking at it in a positive way that being forced to say no is not such a bad thing after all.