Ever have those moments in life when you know beyond any doubt that your life will never be the same? Today has been one of those day's for me, as I watched Jenna on her first day of Kindergarten I knew that my life from that moment on will be changed forever.
While I am so excited for Jenna and of course for me to be starting this new journey, I cannot ignore the sadness that I am feeling. Not just because of today, but on Thursday I will send my baby Kayla off to pre-school. While it is just two days totaling 6 hours per week I realize this all came to fast. I am not ready to share my babies, I am not ready to let them go.
While I usually try to stay positive and not post negative feeling for the world to see, today I am going to allow myself to post how I really feel...I truly am mourning the loss of my kids being babies! I feel my heart is aching for them to be tiny again! I miss changing diapers, nursing, sleepless nights, and big wet kisses!
For years while Justin and I tried to conceive these beautiful children I only imagined me as a mom to babies, in my mind I never saw beyond that and now that they are growing up I realize that those dreams have been fulfilled and I'm finding it's hard to let go.
I know that I have been blessed more than I ever dared to dream. I walked through hell and back to bring my girls into this world and while my mind tells me that should be enough my heart is secretly wondering is two enough? My own answer to that is yes of course two are enough, and I do know this beyond any doubt.
I have great memories of them being babies and I will always look back on those years as some of the most wonderful of my life and while I think I will always have these moments of longing for more kids (After all I am only 32) I know I am done and in reality I am happy with that.
I do love the ages they are right now, and I am looking forward to being a room parent, joining the PTA, and going on field trips! I am excited to see them grow, learn and make new friends, I truly am...but just for today I am choosing to pull out the baby pictures the baby movies and I may just dig out the preemie clothes (I will never be able to part with them) and just have a day of soaking in memories of a phase of my life that has come to an end.
I will shed tears today, but tomorrow I will be fine. Reality will hit me and I will start laughing hysterically because I will actually be able to go grocery shopping on my own, maybe get a pedicure, or even spend a whole hour in a book store, and then I will think my life in this moment is perfect and really I can ask for nothing more!
Oh, sweet Melissa. I feel the same way as you do. I wasn't expecting it at all. It hit me like a ton of bricks right after I dropped Mackenzie off today. And I'm not ready for Thursday either. My babies. How did they get so big? I shouldn't have blinked. I shouldn't have blinked once.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a wonderful writer. You really do remind me of my sister. I wish I could put into words the way you and she does, the way I feel. All I can do is write down what I feel, elegant or not, and be happy that I have conveyed in a small way how I feel.
ReplyDeleteThey will alway be your babies, there will be days that they come to you in tears and will want their mommy to hold them only the way mom can and only that will make the hurt go away.
I love you my sweet friend! Hang tough....tomorrow is a new day.
Kristien
@Shanna, yes I should never have blinked and we can dry each other tears on Thursday! By the way I keep forgetting to ask you invite me to your new blog!
ReplyDelete@Kristien, thank you for that wonderful compliment I love your sisters writing and to be compared to her is indeed a great thing! ...Now if I only had her motivation to work out-lol!
Melissa, that is so beautiful and sweet. It made tears come to my eyes. You are such a wonderful mother. It is very hard during every new phase in your childrens lives. I love you and your little family so much. I miss you all!
ReplyDeleteI'm only just now able to comment without wanting to cry. Cohen is leaving me too, growing up, moving away, practically driving himself to college. It's been so hard on me. But for him, psht. The kid loves kindergarten. It makes it easier for me, but still...I miss him sorely, and I know, like you, IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME! Sigh...
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